The Onion is amazing

Do yourself a favor and spend the next hour reading through all of these...

http://www.theonion.com/features/strongsideweakside/

Death Comes to Town and kills me

Does it intimidate, depress, and inspire you when you see someone totally rule at what you do for a living and make you think "Man, I'll never do anything that good."

A friend has been going through the trouble of downloading episodes of the new Kids In The Hall series "Death Comes to Town" (it doesn't air here in the US yet) and last night I watched the 5 that have aired so far in Canada. It's completely disheartening and inspiring.

Disheartening - I'll never do anything this clever, funny, and well made in my comedy career. And even if I did, I'm not sure a US station would ever air it. Do bankers, lawyers, and construction workers ever feel this way? Does a doctor watch a surgeon on some crazy TLC show and think, "Damn! I'd never be able to do that! You see the way he thought to slice that artery and stitch that incision?! GENIUS!" That begs the question, "How little does Trevor know about doctors that he could only come up with 'artery' and 'incision' in his example?" As a comedy writer, I watched it and loved it. And then immediately thought everything I've ever written or shot was a piece of poo.

Inspiring - After all these years, my favorite sketch group still has it. They're older and fatter but you'd be wrong to think "They're just doing a show for a paycheck at this point." I'd almost say this is the best thing they've done yet, but it's only been 5 episodes so I have to give it some time. But a funny thing happens when I see REEEALLY good stuff. I watch it, love it, get depressed I didn't create it, then my brain starts firing on all cylinders to make something of my own that will hopefully be great. Can I do it? Who knows? But I'll try (and hopefully get rich in the process!).

And if anyone ever actually read this, this is where they would answer my questions in the comments section with very hurtful, unnecessary answers (that may be a little too true for my liking).

Bitch.

Gone for a while. This inspired me to return. Go figure.

Women's Olympic Wrestling? Oh yeah!

i didn't know women's wrestling even existed in the Olympics. seeing the 55kg gold medal match was a nice benefit of having a little case of insomnia. don't believe me that women's wrestling exists? just take a look at this guy:



or this japanese dude that won the gold:



sadly, none of these fine athletes were in the Beijing games:



not even Mt. Fuji:



oh well. maybe if she trains hard enough, she can get there in 2012!

Top Rejected Facebook Statuses After This Morning's EARTHQUAKE!

Trevor is eating a bowl of cer-- OH GOD WHY IS THE APARTMENT SHAKING I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NEVER LOOK AT INTERNET PORN AGAIN IF IT JUST STOPS NOW!!!!

Trevor is not afraid of earthquakes. BRING IT ON, GOD, YOU PUSSY!

Trevor can't wait to watch ten hours of news coverage of the fallout of "Earth Slam '08!" focusing on the terrible aftermath... like a broken bottle at a supermarket, a woman who had to walk into her daughter's bedroom to "check on her," and Rob Fukuzaki coming up next with sports!

Trevor wonders how uncomfortable it would've been to be pinned in the fetal position under his desk for hours and hours.

Trevor still doesn't believe that standing in a doorway would do a damn thing or that running outside where there's no building to fall on you is a bad idea.

Trevor wishes this...

wasn't the picture they put on the "Earthquake Preparedness" webpage. I don't think "canned goods" helped anyone in there.

The Six Million Dollar Hearing Aid

i just saw the saddest commercial ever. Lee Majors hawking "Lee Majors Rechargeable Bionic Hearing Aid." wow. you'd think for $6,000,000 he could've gotten a warranty on his ears. RIM SHOT!

to see the commercial AND get your very own...
www.buybionicear.com

Classic SNL...

...i was thinking the other day of a funny idea for a sketch. turns out SNL did it years ago in a sketch i totally forgot about. while bummed my idea was too similar to do, i just can't stay upset at Farley for long.



YOU LIED TO ME!!!!

I can't trust you...

...if you can't even spell the part names correctly on your sign. sorry, zorro, but i'll be getting my "voltage sistem" and my "altenator" fixed elsewhere. (and by "elsewhere" i mean some place that spells correctly AND has an actual auto repair bay rather than the sidewalk out front.)

In honor of California's newly legal gay marriage!

it's true, i drank some.

The Things I've Seen...

so driving around LA, you see all sorts of things that confuse/inspire/anger you. here's a few from my last couple weeks. sorry for the crappy photos, but it's tough to snap good pics while driving a stick shift.


up first... this guy. he's got an old-timey motorcycle, a faceless helmet, and, yes, a backpack with a perfectly placed baguette sticking out the top. he's soooo out of central casting, i had to look around to see if i'd driven into a movie shoot. did props put the baguette there?!?!


this old volvo is PERFECTION. right down to the cute mutt hanging out in the passenger seat. (not that there's anything wrong with my old volvo.)


it's hard to see in this photo, but that is a nice drawing of a cow on the door. no other indication of what this truck's owner does. just a picture of a cow on the door. which wouldn't be so weird in wisconsin. but as you can see, this is on venice boulevard in the middle of LA. is there a nearby dairy farm i'm not aware of?


you see these douchebag DUI attorney ads all over the bus system. this one amazes me in its absolutely TERRIBLE picture. who can trust this guy to win in court if he can't even pose for a picture without unconvincingly holding the phone. "hello, amir? this is trevor. it might help your business to not look like an a-hole on your bus bench ad. later."


last one... very bad photo, but you've all seen this before: a hospital employee out in public in their scrubs. this woman, in particular, is wearing a full-on wrap thing on top of normal scrubs, like she's a surgeon or something. doesn't stopping to get gas defeat the whole point of scrubs?! being a bit of a germophobe, i will now be completely creeped out that the guy about to operate on my delicate organs was just touching a filthy gas station pump on his lunch break. i mean, even if you wash your hands, germs get on the scrubs... then back onto your hands... and then into my body orifice. PLEASE, PACK A CHANGE OF CLOTHES!

What the polygamist cult has taught me...

if this is the alternative, i appreciate womens eyebrow grooming now more than ever.

What the f?!?!

thanks to the cynopsis newsletter for this... wait, is 'thanks' the right word?

i actually made it all the way through. my favorite character? the butchy/boyish fake courtney cox "bruce" pulls on stage.

No mention of how he chills

honestly, things have taken a dark turn at Penn State.

http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/2008/04/08/police_bell_pulls_knife_in_com.aspx

last week, it was a pervy basketball player "selling hand lotion." this time, it's a football player stabbing people. at Miami, these stories wouldn't even register but Penn State is usually better than this. let's just all steer clear of PSU athletes for the foreseeable future.

This is how I chill, ma'am.

thanks to deadspin for the heads-up on this one...

http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/2008/04/04/pringle_denies_masturbation_in.aspx

awesome. since we all know most athletes are dirtbags, i TOTALLY believe this woman's story no matter how ridiculous it sounds. who couldn't picture some cocky basketball player saying "wanna buy some hand lotion i'm selling for the basketball team?" i would LOVE to have been there to hear her "impression" of the smacking sound he was making. and of course, nothing beats the explanation that he relaxes with his hands down his pants. "this is how i chill, ma'am." what a friendly, polite, reasonable explanation, kind sir!

2 Gems

1. this is what youtube is all about - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4awABkISAc - it's almost 9 minutes of LA city council insanity and if you can tell me what the h is going on, i'd appreciate it.

2. perhaps this is my next date night with the wife..? - http://www.grilledcheeseinvitational.com - be sure to check out the eric idle video on the front page. (now i'm really hungry for grilled cheese, btw.)

Me... NOW IN COLOR!

haven't gotten a chance to post in a few days, so here's a quick and easy post that also allows me to break up the monotony of the last several text-only outings. see? i care about you, the reader, and your always-seeking-excitement eyeballs. don't thank me now. wait 'til after you've watched this clio-deserving performance...

so here it is. me. in a commercial i shot last year for peter piper pizza.

Tech Support OCTDUX

first, i'm getting tired of the names of these tech support posts yet i remain loyal to the system i've created.

second, was out all day, but i'm fairly certain the dsl is working correctly. which makes this confusing all over again...

third, ANOTHER voicemail from verizon today. the whole "courtesy call" to let me know they're still working on the problem. perhaps if they actually worked this hard on it, i wouldn't have had to call in so many times.

seriously, verizon, you're making yourself look needy and desperate. if you have to call every day to tell me you're still working on it... when it seems to already be fixed... maybe you never really understood the problem our relationship had in the first place.

Tech Support SEPTDUX

2:20pm today - another recorded phone call from verizon, "this is a courtesy call to let you know that we are still working on your problem."

how 'bout you show me the courtesy of NOT CONFUSING ME ANYMORE?!

Tech Support SEXDUX

let me start by saying this: our dsl appears to be fixed. i say this because it doesn't seem to be going out intermittently anymore. if it's been going out the last day, it did it when neither me nor my wife were using the internet.

all that said, it's hard to tell whether verizon is done working on it or not. there were at least three calls yesterday from verizon. the first said essentially "we've fixed your problem. if you need more help, call back in the next day or we'll close the trouble ticket." the next two recordings said essentially "we're still working on your problem." is this a byproduct of them not properly closing out trouble tickets from calls 1 through 4? i don't know. do they not check the account to see if other employees already fixed the problem? apparently not. all i know is we're practically right back at the beginning because our dsl works... FOR NOW.

Tech Support CINCDUX

at this point, i'm just glad there'll have to be, at the very least, a wrap-up sixth tech support post 'cause it'll be fun to type "sexdux."

HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE is where the journey has taken us so far.

after having the rep hang up on me not ten seconds after begging me not to hang up, i decided to wait five minutes. why? well, i thought maybe, just this once, they might actually use the "alternate callback number" they've asked for on every phone call.

nope.

i call back, work my way through the menus, get in touch with a new rep named "James." he very quickly puts me in contact with his team leader, "Charlie", who tells me he is monitoring the situation because he knows i've called in a few times.

without getting into the boring details, the first 15 minutes was more power down/restart/reconnect stuff. the next 40 minutes was a series of efforts to escalate the trouble ticket so that the central office can try to fix the problem. this involved mostly waiting on hold while he worked on the report with an occasional "don't worry, sir, i'm still here working on your problem."

he claims to have gotten the ticket escalated to the MAIN CENTRAL OFFICE (is that part of the dharma initiative, by any chance?). now, it will be fixed by tuesday - at which point, i am supposed to get a call either way tuesday morning from the MAIN CENTRAL OFFICE about the status and whether or not a tech repair guy needs to come out to the apartment building.

i can only assume i will both hear nothing from verizon, still have intermittent dsl outages, and have to call back on tuesday. thank god there's basketball to watch.