Top Rejected Facebook Statuses After This Morning's EARTHQUAKE!

Trevor is eating a bowl of cer-- OH GOD WHY IS THE APARTMENT SHAKING I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NEVER LOOK AT INTERNET PORN AGAIN IF IT JUST STOPS NOW!!!!

Trevor is not afraid of earthquakes. BRING IT ON, GOD, YOU PUSSY!

Trevor can't wait to watch ten hours of news coverage of the fallout of "Earth Slam '08!" focusing on the terrible aftermath... like a broken bottle at a supermarket, a woman who had to walk into her daughter's bedroom to "check on her," and Rob Fukuzaki coming up next with sports!

Trevor wonders how uncomfortable it would've been to be pinned in the fetal position under his desk for hours and hours.

Trevor still doesn't believe that standing in a doorway would do a damn thing or that running outside where there's no building to fall on you is a bad idea.

Trevor wishes this...

wasn't the picture they put on the "Earthquake Preparedness" webpage. I don't think "canned goods" helped anyone in there.

The Six Million Dollar Hearing Aid

i just saw the saddest commercial ever. Lee Majors hawking "Lee Majors Rechargeable Bionic Hearing Aid." wow. you'd think for $6,000,000 he could've gotten a warranty on his ears. RIM SHOT!

to see the commercial AND get your very own...
www.buybionicear.com

So long, Nomo

Hideo Nomo retired from baseball after a 12-year career. please tell me this will finally make the 5-year old Nomo bobblehead sitting on my shelf worth something on eBay. i don't have to root for a horrible tragedy just to get more than $5, do i?


btw, that bobblehead could not look less like hideo nomo. whose the white guy they got to pose for the sculpting? did the manufacturer even know he's japanese? i'm not saying it needs to get all offensively over-the-top, but maybe some slightly slanted eyes...? is it cool to say "slanted"?

REVIEW: Dark Knight - BOO!

i didn't hate it as much as other superhero movies.

keep in mind, my suspension of disbelief is tough to reach and i did not grow up reading comics at all... BUT these movies always rely on the same stupid devices no matter how amazing the rest of the story is. here's just one example - if the Joker really is as deranged, crazy, and dangerous as they painted him, i'm supposed to believe that they put him in a simple holding cell with a drunk, they un-handcuffed him for questioning, Gordon went home to get some rest after capturing the most deranged and dangerous criminal in their scary city, AND they put a random gumba cop in his interrogation room/holding cell when there was no need to be in there? that last one REALLY bumped for me - the second they showed him, i was like "oh, right, 'cause he needs to be able to attack a guy to get free." apparently, gotham city can't afford maximum security prisons, straitjackets, or even the most basic training for their police officers. apparently, they also don't have one cop who's just crazy enough to kill THE MOST DERANGED CRIMINAL THE CITY HAS EVER SEEN.

now i know this technically doesn't take place in "our world." but it's not THAT different. isn't that the whole point of Batman? that it's a dark tale taking place in a fake city that's a lot like your own? think about the most crazed serial killer ever captured in real life. do you think they treated him a little stricter than the Gotham police do the Joker?

that being said, i get why people who are batman fans would like it. from what i hear, it's a great representation of the Batman comic. and the CGI stuff was maybe the best i've ever seen. 2-face's face alone was really cool. and i appreciate that it had a layered story with all the "deep" stuff you don't normally see in one of these flicks.

but i can't love a movie if it has the same holes that make me hate all these comic superhero movies. i'm just surprised you don't hear more of this negative stuff.

Classic SNL...

...i was thinking the other day of a funny idea for a sketch. turns out SNL did it years ago in a sketch i totally forgot about. while bummed my idea was too similar to do, i just can't stay upset at Farley for long.



YOU LIED TO ME!!!!

I can't trust you...

...if you can't even spell the part names correctly on your sign. sorry, zorro, but i'll be getting my "voltage sistem" and my "altenator" fixed elsewhere. (and by "elsewhere" i mean some place that spells correctly AND has an actual auto repair bay rather than the sidewalk out front.)

In honor of California's newly legal gay marriage!

it's true, i drank some.